


It's Really Complicated

by jhoom



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alpha!Dean, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Bottom!Cas, M/M, Season 8, Season 9 Rewrite, crazy!Cas, omega!cas, season 7, top!dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-05-23 06:40:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6108274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhoom/pseuds/jhoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>First of all, it’s really complicated.  They’re mated but they’re not.  They’ve slept together, but with the whole Apocalypse thing and then the whole business with Crowley… well, they never got around to officially mating.</p><p>A look at the after effects of unleashing the Leviathan when Cas is an omega and Dean's an alpha (and they're maybe a little in love with each other).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so hear me out - I was **not** going to post this here. Well, let me back up. This was supposed to be **short**. Like, 500 words max short. So, whoops. I also didn't intend to do any of Season 8 but uh *looks guilty* I've already started writing some stuff for Purgatory, so... Basically, I'm gonna need to post it here to help me keep track of how much I've been writing this year. 
> 
> This is my first time writing anything with a/b/o dynamics. I've read some (yes... "some") fics in the past, but it's been on my list of things to actually write myself. I have an idea for a fic with Dean as on omega, so this seemed like a good way to try it out.
> 
> I've also never done one of these bullet-point fics. I've seen them a lot on tumblr and like them so I definitely have been meaning to try one of these as well. 
> 
> SOOOOO... this particular exercise in sadness is from something I'd seen [@unforth-ninawaters](http://unforth-ninawaters.tumblr.com/post/139682513001/oh-no-your-latest-drawing-has-made-me-think-of) reblog:  
>  **[@tigerboydean](http://tigerboydean.tumblr.com/)** asked: "Oh no, your latest drawing has made me think of season seven A/B/O where Dean finds his mate again, but Cas don't consciously remember Dean (although his body reacts to him!) and when his memory does come back, then he sacrifices his sanity to save Sam, and Dean has to leave him behind for his own safety and it breaks both their hearts. And when Dean finally has somewhere safe to go with Cas (the cabin) Cas keeps trying to bring him gifts like honey and sandwiches to be a good Omega for Dean."

First of all, it’s really complicated.  

  * They’re mated but they’re not.  They’ve slept together, but with the whole Apocalypse thing and then the whole business with Crowley… well, they never got around to officially mating.    

  * Which means when Cas disappears into that lake, Dean doesn’t even have a bite mark to remember his lost mate.  He keeps the trenchcoat when it washes ashore, but with all the the water it barely has any smell left.  

  * Doesn’t mean he doesn’t cuddle up to it at night when Sam’s not around, desperately trying to find even the smallest trace of Cas’ scent.  Even long after he can’t anymore, it’s still comforting to hold it close.  

  * He mopes for months.  It’s actually probably too generous to say he’s moping - but he doesn’t want to say mourning because that doesn’t really sound any better.  The drinking is bad, and it probably doesn’t help that Sam’s having his issues.  Dean’s life just fucking sucks right now and being strong for his brother is the only thing keeping him from succumbing to a bone deep kind of depression.  

  * That kinda mellowed out feeling he gets after eating the TDK Slammer is probably the best he’s felt since this whole mess started.  It’s not even that he feels good, he just feels… nothing.  Doesn’t feel how fucking awful it is that Cas is gone.  Doesn’t care that he doesn’t care anymore.  It’s nice, in a fucked up kind of way.  

  * He doesn’t tell Sam, but he almost sneaks out to a Biggerson’s to order another one.  He just craves being able to maybe not fill the emptiness inside, but at least be able to gloss over it.  

  * But then Sam’s in the hospital and he’s fucking _losing_  it.  He cannot deal with this and the whole Cas and Bobby thing, but he stows his shit because that’s what he does.  

  * This Emmanuel lead is shaky at best, but he follows it.  He’s too distracted to notice the familiar smell, very faint, in the air outside the home.  

  * But then the demon’s dead and he turns around and is hit **full force**  with the smell of his dead mate.  His dead mate, who is standing in front of him, looking at him like he’s a complete fucking stranger and dammit if Dean’s heart doesn’t break a little bit more.  (Which he didn’t even think was possible.)  

  * So Daphne’s a thing.  And his heart can break further still.  

  * She’s a beta and doesn’t even notice the way Dean’s emotions are spiraling out of control right now.  Grief, anger, guilt, *want*, jealousy… he doesn’t even know _what_  he’s giving off, but ~~Cas~~  Emmanuel is definitely picking up on it.    

  * And fuck it all if the poor guy isn’t responding back.  Confusion is the predominant reaction Dean’s picking up from the omega, but there’s definitely more.  Putting words on the specific emotions would be impossible.  Yet he knows, without a doubt, that ~~Cas~~ Emmanuel longs to comfort ~~his~~ the alpha.    

  * It takes all of Dean’s willpower to stop himself from going over and scenting him.  

  * It also kills him a little to know that Cas’ body, his _vessel_  remembers him but _he_  doesn’t.  Is that all it was to Cas?  Just a physical thing?  Fuck, he can’t think about that right now.  

  * This should be the best thing that’s happened to him inside of a year.  Right now, it feels like the worst.  He’s stuck in a car with his no longer dead mate who can’t even fucking remember him.  Dean’s torn between wanting to pounce on the poor guy and kiss his memory back (as though that’s actually a thing)… and dearly hoping he never finds out that he’s Cas.  That would just be cruel.  To both of them.  

  * His angel’s back and he’s stupid enough to hope.  They can save Sam and he can get his mate back and they can stop the Leviathan and everything’s going to be okay.  He’s going to take Cas on a road trip and make love to him and finally **finally**  mate him.  They’re going to save the world together (again) and the rest doesn’t matter.  

  * Given his track record, Dean doesn’t know why he let himself indulge in that fantasy.  

  * Why he decides to trust Meg, he’s not sure.  The spunky little alpha demon is not an ideal candidate for someone he’s willing to leave the care of his mate to.  Or anyone, really.  But the choices are pretty shitty, and he can’t take care of a crazy angel on the road.  

  * He makes a point of not calling in.  Meg, bless her (and isn’t that ironic), sends him texts with updates once a week.  It would be lying to say he didn’t look forward to them.    

  * And dread them.  

  * Until one week it’s not a text.  It’s a call.  He walks out of an interview because it must be fucking important.  He nearly barks a demand to know what’s wrong.  His leg is twitching and his anxiety is rising and even in the next room he can tell Sam and the witness are wondering a shared “What the actual fuck?”  
  * Cas isn’t better, Cas isn’t worse.  He’s in heat.  

  * Dean just leaves.  Texts Sam an apology but heads straight to Cas.  

  * The suppressants haven’t been working since he walked back out of that lake, apparently, because Dean’s hit with that sickly sweet smell of _Cas_  as soon as he walks into the hospital facility.  He doesn’t bother checking in - Meg had better run some interference - just follows that smell to Cas’ room.    

  * Meg’s outside, holding up a visitor’s pass.  He snatches it and looks inside the room, sees Cas writhing on the bed.  Doesn’t really hear her pouting about how she offered Cas her knot, but he refused.  The teasing that he might not want Dean’s either.  What he does ask is if there’s a way to lock the door and block off the window on the door.  "Sure, and I guess I’ll be bringing you breakfast in bed tomorrow morning too.“  His scowl is met with complete disinterest.  "Get over it.  Indulge in some exhibitionism.  And try not to be too loud, don’t wanna gross out the other patients.”  

  * Cas’ scent is about a hundred times stronger in the confines of the room, especially with his slick soaking into the sheets and mattress.  Even in the haze of his heat, he almost immediately picks up on Dean’s presence, moaning and begging for him.  

  * Dean tries to shush him, calm him down, as he undresses them both.  Seeing Cas lose his mind had been bad enough, but at least *this* he can do something about.  He soothes Cas’ tense muscles, tries to get him to relax a bit before taking the time to open him up.  His slick is everywhere and it doesn’t take long.    

  * When he tries to get Cas to get up on his knees, he refuses, rolling onto his back and pleading, “Please, let me _see_  you.”    

  * Dean always was a sucker for Cas.  

  * Fuck, it feels like coming home when he starts moving inside Cas.  The omega had always been responsive, but a lot *tamer* when he was all high and mighty as an Angel of the Lord.  Now he’s a loud, mewling mess.  It’s somehow endearing to see Cas lose himself like this, just enjoy letting Dean take care of him.  

  * He wasn’t planning on knotting him, but he can’t really help it when Cas starts nipping at his ear, nuzzling into his neck…  His own teeth ghost along Cas’ pulse point, wanting _so badly_  to sink in and claim him in the only way he never has.  But even with Cas begging him to bite, to mark him up, Dean can’t.  This is Cas but it isn’t quite Cas.  They’ve never talked about this before, actually mating, and he can’t do it when Cas isn’t in his right mind.    

  * So he settles for knotting him and then holding him until his heat flares back up.  

  * It only lasts a couple days.  Dean doesn’t leave Cas’ side the whole time, doing his best to care for his almost mate.  But when it’s over, it doesn’t really stop him from leaving.  

  * Dean tries not to be jealous of Meg.  Cas gives her attention and it kills him, but he knows it’s his own fault.  Cas and him aren’t even mates, first of all.  And Meg was actually _there_  for Cas.  Took care of him when Dean ~~wouldn’t~~ couldn’t.  So he just grits and bears it.  

  * Not that Cas doesn’t somehow pick up on it.  Because he starts doing these weird little things.  At first Dean is just fucking confused.  "Why are you bringing me honey?  Why did you cook me a burger?  (Also, it’s still raw so… not actually cooked.)  Why are you trying to take off my shoes-  No, I don’t need a damn foot rub.  No, Cas, I can wash my own clothes.“  And then there’s the incident with the bees and the nakedness on the hood of the Impala that Dean guiltily tries not to jerk off to.  (Minus the bees, obviously.  But Cas naked on the Impala… he will never be able to forget that.)  

  * Eventually he realizes Cas is just trying to take care of his alpha.  Because he’s a good omega and can smell Dean’s frustration and anger and that little touch of despondent he can’t shake.  And sure, maybe the jealousy over Meg.    

  * Though Dean’s block-headed enough not to notice until Cas has him cornered in the bathroom.  He drops to his knees and starts undoing Dean’s belt before he knows what’s happening.  Before Cas gets his fly down, he’s grabbing Cas’ hands and asking him to stop.  "Please, alpha,” he begs, running his hands up and down Dean’s thighs.  "Let me take care of you.“  And yeah, okay, maybe Dean’s dick is on board with the idea but it just doesn’t feel _right_  when Cas isn’t really Cas.  (Might never be Cas again, that dark corner of his mind whispering his worst fear.)  It feels like taking advantage and with all the other shit on Dean’s plate right now, he doesn’t think he can handle that too.  

  * Cas looks so fucking _devastated_  but Dean’s firm in his refusal.    

  * One night Cas just appears in his bed, laid out on top of him and kissing him senseless.  Again, Dean has to push the angel away.  A frustrated little grunt.  "Why won’t you let me?”  "Cuz this ain’t you, Cas.“  "We were intimate before the Leviathan.”  "Yeah, but that doesn’t solve the problem.“  It goes back and forth for a while, Cas just not _getting_  Dean’s hesitance.  "You took care of me in he hospital.”  "Cas, you were _in heat_.  You _needed_ it, I was just trying to help.“  "How is this any different?”    

  * Dean doesn’t really know how to answer that.  He’s not really sure how it’s different, he just knows that it is.  Cas disagrees.  Mercifully, he leaves.  

  * Days pass without any word from him and Dean starts to worry.  His nerves are shot and he really is at his breaking point.  (He only really knows where that point is thanks to his tenure in Hell.  Knows exactly how far he can go before he just snaps.  It gets closer and closer every day.)  

  * When he does See Cas again, he doesn’t mean to snap at him, but he has fucking **had it**.  Cas doesn’t get to be broken right now, not when –Dean– the world needs him to have his shit together.    

  * Cas says he’s upset he keeps getting brought back.  That being alive is a punishment, and Dean feels it.  This is it.  This is the fucking moment he breaks.  He moves in on Cas’ space, and he worries about the violence he feels behind it.  Not quite in control, he grabs his lapels.  He has no idea what he’s about to do, until he’s saying, “I’d rather have you, cursed or not.”  And then he’s got him in a smothering, all-consuming kiss.  

  * Turns out what broke was his ability to stay away from Cas.  

  * For the first time since… well, he doesn’t really know when, he feels whole.  His lips on Cas’, his arms around his mate.  They just fit together and it’s _right_.  They forget about how they’re probably going to die tomorrow.  Dean gives in, completely gives in because he finally gets it.  He _doesn’t_ care if Cas isn’t quite the same because he’s still Cas, still his best friend and his mate and he still loves him and fuck why did it take so long to figure out.    

  * It’s a mess so they use the trenchcoat.  He kisses Cas silly as he works him open, licking the slick off his fingers before sliding in.  They’ve fucked before.  A lot.  They’ve done it a variety of ways in a helluva lot of places.  This is new, though.  This is him making love to his mate.  This is him accepting the good and the bad in him.  Knowing it’s a whole package and he wants it all.  

  * He nuzzles Cas’ neck, nose running along it because he knows if he uses his lips he won’t be able to resist the urge to _bite_  and _claim_.  "Please, Dean,“ Cas asks.  Like he knows.  Dean snaps back a bit, looking into Cas’ eyes to check.  He can’t mean it.  They’re clear and surprisingly lucid.  Groaning, Dean just gives in.  Moves in to that little expanse of neck he’s been longing for these past few years and bites.  Cas gasps underneath him, bucking up slightly before he’s coming against their chests.  Dean thinks he might be whimpering as he feels Cas convulse around him, tries to focus on feeling the heartbeat beneath him.  

  * When Cas pushes him back and then bites down on his neck, it rips his orgasm right out of him.  Because _fuck_  he wasn’t expecting that.  Omegas don’t mark alphas but _oh god_  there’s something about the idea of being marked as Cas’ that just gets to him.  That people will see him and just _know_.  Fuck, he doesn’t know if he’s ever gonna come down from this high.  

  * He does of course.  Because he’s still Dean and there’s still the Leviathan to deal with.  But it was nice while it lasted.    

  * “Alright.”  He licks at the mark on Cas’ neck before kissing all along his jaw.  "Let’s go save the world, I guess.“




	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i've actually had most of this written for a while but never got around to quite finishing it... whoops?

Purgatory is just _so much worse_.

  * Dean and Cas _just_ mated and then they get zapped to Purgatory.  Cas just fucking disappears on Dean.  Obviously he's worried sick - would've been anyway, but they're newly mated and it's like he's missing a fucking limb without Cas at his side.
  * That's probably how all the Purgatory monsters are able to hunt him.  Pissed off, worried and frustrated alpha probably stinks like something fierce.  I bet that's how Benny finds him in the first place.
  * And it probably makes it easier for Dean to track down Cas.  Even the faintest whiff of the angel on one of the assholes he finds has Dean absolutely losing his shit and beating the ever loving crap out of them.  
  * Oh but when he finds Cas...  He just gives off pleased (but concerned) alpha.  He fusses over his mate but he's just so _relieved_  Cas isn't hurt that it takes a bit of the edge off his anger.  
  * I think it probably would take at least a few hours before he realizes just how distant Cas is.  He's not crazy anymore, Dean's sure of that much at least, but something else is off.  The thought works its way into his head that, hey, maybe non-broken Cas _didn't want_  to mate with Dean.  It was just supposed to be stress release during the Apocalypse and not something permanent or emotional or anything. 
  * Every day and night (not that there's a real difference between the two), that worry grows a little stronger.  It's all he can think about when he's not distracted by killing.  
  * So he goes out of his way to kill.  A lot.
  * And stares longingly at the mark on Cas' neck.  Tries to let himself hope because it's not like Cas is hiding it... but that's becoming less and less of a comfort.
  * Cas I bet tries so hard to suppress his omega instincts.  He knows damn well that Dean's upset, and though he might not have guessed just how much Dean doubts Castiel's affections, he at least perceives his frustration is centered on him.  All he wants to do is curl up next to Dean, nuzzle into his alpha and re-assure him.
  * ~~But he also knows, after everything he's done, he doesn't deserve Dean.  Doesn't deserve to be his mate, to comfort him, especially when he doesn't plan on leaving Purgatory.  So he stays away.~~
  * They're both obviously too stubborn to talk about it.  Dean's not exactly a great example of someone who "talks it out."  And Cas doesn't want to back himself into a corner, be forced to admit he won't be leaving with Dean, no matter what Dean may want.
  * The only way either of them allow themselves to show that they care is by not letting the other get hurt.  
  * Just imagine what Benny's thinking through all this.  I can't even decide if Benny would be an alpha or an omega, but I'm betting he wishes he were a beta so he could at least pretend not to notice how fucking ridiculous these two are.  He can _smell_  that they're mated, but cannot for the life of him figure out what the hell is going on.  They barely speak to one another, but the way they _look_  at each other when the other's back is turned...  How many fucking longing looks is Benny going to have to endure?
  * And it's definitely gotta smell.  Dean's perpetual bad mood mixing with Cas' guilt and resignation.  Top that off with Benny just totally *done* with the two of them.  The Leviathan don't even need Cas' grace to track this moving cloud of pheromones.
  * Benny I think would notice it first.  The way Dean's getting progressively more and more agitated.  The sweat lingering on his brow, even when they're doing nothing particularly strenuous.  And oh man, talk about the absolutely _feral_  way he looks at Cas.  (And at Benny, if Benny is an alpha after all.)  
  * He pulls Dean aside, whispers in his ear, "Brother, I think you're about to hit your rut."  
  * And as he checks himself, looking for warning signs he hasn't worried about since he was in his early twenties, hisses out, "Fuck."  Because of course he is.  When has Dean Winchester ever caught a single goddamned break?
  * Which means he has to figure out how he's going to take care of this.  Like it or not, he's not going to be able to ignore it.  Soon he'll be so pathetically gone he'll be _begging_  Cas to let him knot him.  Of course he's got too much pride to bring it up right now, when he's still somewhat rational.  He's so confused about them being mated and Cas being all distant.
  * He's so busy, lost in those nagging doubts that he completely doesn't notice that Benny is gone until he feels Cas' firm grip on his arm.  
  * ~~Right where Cas' hand print used to be.  Not that Dean still thinks about that.~~
  * For a moment he's so dazed by Cas' smell he doesn't really register they're alone.  All that's running through his head is a chorus of _mine mate fuck mine claim fuck fuck fuck_.  But then he tenses, looking around for the vampire.  
  * "I sent him away."  It's not very reassuring.  Dean's about to say as much when Cas just presses into his space, every inch of the angel's body lined up with every inch of his.  Then there's Cas' lips on his, tongue begging for entry and that's all she wrote.  
  * Dean doesn't really have control until he's got Cas nearly undressed, pinned beneath him.  Not until he finds himself nuzzling the mating mark on Cas' neck does he catch himself and pull back.  He can smell the slick and see the way Cas' pupils are dilated, but he still has to know if this is okay.  "Cas," his voice sounds wrecked even to him.  "Cas, you sure about-"  
  * He's pulled down into a rough, sloppy kiss as Cas rolls his hips up.  Okay, he's sure then.  So Dean gives into his rut, takes and gives everything he can.  Lets his inner alpha rejoice at being able to fuck into his omega mate.  He's aware that he's snarling and roughly keeping Cas in place with a bruising grip.  Barely keeps himself from re-opening the mating mark as his knot catches.  But _fuck_  it just feels so good.
  * In the time they wait for his knot to go down, he pulls Cas close and just holds him.  They don't talk - Dean doesn't have the energy or mental capacity for it at the moment.  Who knows why Cas doesn't say anything.  When he's finally able to pull out, he's aware of passing out for a while until a feverish arousal jolts him awake and they're back at it.
  * Time's funny in purgatory.  It's already hard enough to keep track of the hours and days when you're in your rut, but it's damn impossible here.  He has no idea how many waves of it hit him, but he knows when it's over because there's actually a cool sense of relief when he comes.  As he passes out, his body just feels so much better.
  * Which means, of course, his mind gets right back to freaking out.  
  * It doesn't help that Cas isn't in his arms when he wakes up.  
  * That puts him in a bad mood.  And makes him really twitchy.  He has all this energy that he half wants to use to scream at Cas, ask, "What the fuck, man!?  Are we together or not?  Am I just a fucking booty call?  Do you even _want_  to be mated?"  But this is Dean, and he's too terrified for that.  
  * Instead he makes it his fucking business to kill everything that comes at him.  He snaps at Benny once or twice when he gets too close.  With a single-minded determination, he ignores Cas.  
  * (Pretends to ignore Cas.  He's always tuned in to where the angel is.  After the shit he went through the find him, he's not letting him go more than ten feet away.  Twenty, if he's feeling generous.)
  * Purgatory is it's own sort of nightmare. He's well and truly stuck in between.  Between having Cas (because, fuck, he's never spent so much time with him _ever_ ) and not having him.  It's wonderful, it's torture.
  * And then he's out.
  * Cas isn't.
  * When Dean wakes up topside, finally out of Purgatory, he holds it together.  Gets Benny, finds Sam and Kevin.  He's not really sure how he manages it, but hey, he's still functioning so he must be doing something right.  
  * It's easier, not having the omega's scent driving him crazy.  A constant reminder of the mate he doesn't quite have.
  * It's harder, not having the omega's scent to comfort him.  A constant reminder of the mate he failed to bring back.
  * (Sam's a mess too.  The guilt of not having looked for Dean and the absolute mess his brother is.  He's not stupid, he knows it's because of the angel's absence.  Just like he knows Dean won't talk about it.  All he can say is he's reasonably certain Cas isn't dead.)
  * Before, Dean's means of coping were fucking and drinking.  Fucking is out of the question.  The idea of being with another omega makes him physically ill.  He can't even muster the arousal necessary to jerk off.  So drinking it is.
  * Somehow the nightmares of leaving Cas are worse than the ones from his time in hell.  That's kind of fucked up, right?  He's pretty sure that's fucked up.
  * (But that's just in keeping with how Dean Winchester views himself: utterly and totally fucked up past saving.)
  * Cas comes back.
  * He makes up an excuse to get Sam out of there.  (Who's he kidding, it's more like Sam makes up an excuse to get the two of them alone.)  He tells himself it's just because he needs to make sure that Cas is alright, needs to make himself feel better about leaving him behind.
  * They sleep together because of course they do.  Any long absence has always been punctuated by a quick fuck.  They don't know any other way to express relief at seeing each other again.  Saying it is out of the question, and showing it in less physical ways just doesn't work.  Subtlety isn't really their strong suit.
  * Maybe it was naive of Dean to think that their issues (read: his insecurities) were a result of Purgatory.  That being back in the real world would somehow solve their communication issue and things would just fall into place.  But he really did think that, at least part of him did, so the time after Cas' return is devastating.
  * Devastating because Cas wanted to stay in Purgatory.  Was willing to let ~~his mate~~  Dean leave him behind.  Forever.  
  * ~~(And he doesn't want to think about it, but it nearly broke his heart when they had sex.  Cas seemed to enjoy it physically - he always did - but he was so _distant_.  More so than when they first met.)~~
  * ~~(It should probably clue Dean in that something's wrong.  All of this should.  He should've known from how Cas was acting that he didn't plan to leave Purgatory.  And he should know now that Cas just isn't quite Cas.  But it's easier to doubt that anyone, Cas especially, would love him and want to be his mate.  Want something beyond the physical comforts Dean so readily provides.  If only were able to see past his own self-doubt, it'd be so clear how much his angel loves him.  That the distance isn't Cas' doing but something more sinister.)~~
  * ~~(But he can't.)~~
  * He cries himself to sleep one night thinking about how Cas was willing to confess his thoughts of suicide.  Then when his tears for Cas' pain have dried, the tears for his own start.  He thinks that Cas was so open about this, but won't talk to him about their shared mating marks.  Dean lost his mate before he ever really had him.
  * Dean's caught up enough in his own shit that he doesn't notice just how off Cas is.  Not until he's being nearly beaten to death by him.  Now, through eyes that are starting to swell shut, it's so _fucking obvious_ that something's been wrong.  
  * He begs Cas, tries to tell him how much he means to him.  He's family and please, he needs him.
  * ~~And maybe he stops short of saying the L word because he's still Dean Winchester.  Even if it's obvious, even if it's true, he can't just _say_ it because that's uncharted territory.~~
  * Cas' fingers curl around his cheek and he whimpers, lets himself feel regret for what might have been as he accepts what's inevitably going to be but... the pain doesn't come.  It's gone, in fact, he's healed and he's looking up at Cas who's got a matching look of confusion.  
  * There are words, of course there are, but they don't really touch on what either of them needs to say or hear.  Cas is gone with the tablet and it's just deja fucking vu all over again.  Dean starts to wonder if it'd be easier if Cas had just killed him, gotten it the fuck over with.  Cuz him leaving over and over again kills him a bit more each time anyway, why not finish it all at once.
  * Prayers don't work.  Cas won't answer and god fucking _dammit_  Cas, _please_ , just **_please_**  come back.
  * ~~I worry.~~
  * ~~I miss you.~~
  * ~~Just let me know you're okay.~~
  * You'd think it'd be better when Cas _is_ *back.  Sure, they get as close to making up as the two of them ever do.  (Which is to say they fuck it out and don't talk about it.)  But it's a bandaid over a gaping wound at best.  There's too much broken that they won't address, but Dean holds his mate tight at night and pretends.  Pretends that just cuz all the pieces are there things are good as new.
  * But he's gone again, off doing who the fuck knows what, and Dean's stuck trying to get Sam through the trials because what the hell else is there left?  
  * And maybe Sam tries to talk about it.  He's been a good sport about ignoring how his brother and his best friend got mated over the course of the previous year's shit storm.  But then he must see how Dean's jaw tenses up when he tries to bring up the crypt, sees the rigid line of his body when he even _mentions_  Cas' name and well, he's a smart guy.  He can take a hint.
  * Dean's so swept up in the feeling of losing Cas (because even gaining Cas as a mate hasn't stopped the free fall he's been in since Cas betrayed him a few years ago, that wretched ache of slowly losing Cas more and more, bit by bit, until soon they'll be nothing but a mating mark left between them).  It throws him off course, makes him worry about losing Sam too.  Because that's it, that's all he feels like he has sometimes, the two of them.  His hold on Cas is tenuous at best, so he tightens the one he has on Sam.  Makes him stop the trials.  
  * And then the angels fall and it's the worst feeling in the world.  His brother's dying and his angel's not an angel (--might not even be alive--) and can't hear his prayers or find him.  
  * Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-
  * And hey, because I'm writing this story and I'm fixing things, I'm going to end with a change.  Maybe Dean makes the same mistake with Sam and Gadreel, but fuck if he's going to kick Cas out of the bunker.  Hell, Dean wastes no time tracking him down and bringing him home.  Before the reapers or rogue angels can get to him.  Nope, Dean gets him back to the bunker safe and sound.
  * And there's a secret part of Dean that's pleased, now that he knows Cas is okay.  Because as an angel, there was a chance maybe this mating stuff didn't mean shit to him.  Just some physical impulses his body had that he gave into.  But he's _human_  now, he's gotta feel _something_...  Maybe he'll stay, maybe they can... build a life together?  Some kinda hunter life?
  * And again, I'm writing this so I'm not gonna let Gadreel interfere.  He takes one whiff of the over-protective alpha pheromones radiating off Dean and realizes right then and there there's no getting in the way of that.  Dean will tear him apart if he's not careful (well, he's still wearing Sam, so probably not, but it won't be good).  So Cas stays.  And Gadreel caves and admits who he is.  
  * Yes, Cas being human changes things too.  Makes him maybe fess up to some of the things he's hidden before.  Him and Dean are able to work some things out (with the minimal amount of discussion possible, because no matter what, talking about his feelings makes Dean feel too open and vulnerable and he just _can't_  okay, he can't - but Cas understands, meets him halfway).  
  * No, it's not perfect and no, it's not happily ever after.  But it's a hell of a lot happier than the alternatives.  



**Author's Note:**

> Soooo... I already have some Season 8 stuff written, so I will probably be adding that within a few days (I mean, I **should** be working on The Mark, and I have like a billion other little things I want to do, but this idea won't leave me alone, ugh...) 
> 
> Come visit me on tumblr [](http://jhoomwrites.tumblr.com/>@jhoomwrites</a>)


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